Many People Touching Balls

I am furious, sad, angry, aloof, discontent, heartbroken, guilt-ridden and remorseful. Everything other than HAPPY.

I don't understand why I argue with my mom and think I can win.

Things have changed these past years. I always thought my dad was evil. He never let me do anything, he never let me go anywhere and keep in mind that I was ANTI-dad back then. My mom had to back me up for everything I did. I was PRO-mom. But now the tables have changed. My dad is more lenient, and until a couple years ago, it started to become more of a "Oh, you're growing up to be a big boy. You need your freedom." thing and I liked the idea. I was getting used to to the fact that I had freedom. My mom, however, is starting to act like she has a pole stuck up her ass. She gambles at nights at a time and works way too much. I understand that she needs her fun too but when you can't SPARE two hours for your 4 kids, you have a problem.

From Sunday, I told my mom in advance that we were going bowling on FRIDAY, the four of us and 4 other friends, and she agreed. She likes it when I tell her in advance about my plans. And so, today is Friday. She comes home from another "fun-filled" gambling rendezvous at 11 something and sleeps. She is cranky, and tired, and she told me she lost all her winnings. I'm sorry that she is cranky, tired, and lost all her winnings. I am sympathetic and I told her she should go bowling with us to relieve stress. She declines.

So, then I get a phone call from my friend and she goes "DUDE, WE CAN'T GO TO THE BOWLING ALLEY WE WANTED TO! WE NEED AN ADULT OVER 21 TO BOWL WITH US OR WE WON'T GET IN!" So I rush back to my mom and I go "Mom, you have to come with us to bowling and can't drop us off alone." And she was like "FORGET IT!" So, I took time out of the time we were supposed to be at the bowling alley and found another one the "same" distance as the one we were supposed to go to. And she goes "NO, IT'S TOO LATE! LOOK AT THE TIME! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAN ANYTHING TOO LATE AND IM NOT DRIVING ALL THE WAY OUT TO GATES." So, I told her... "THAT'S NOT FAIR. HOW COME YOU CAN GAMBLE ALL NIGHT LONG AND NOT SPARE TWO HOURS FOR YOUR FOUR KIDS?!" And she goes, "I MAKE ALL THE MONEY FOR THIS FAMILY. I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE PLANS THIS LATE AND ITS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU MESSED UP YOUR OWN PLANS." And then I go "BUT IF YOU WERE GONNA TAKE US BOWLING TODAY ANYWAYS, WHY NOT GO TO THE OTEHR BOWLING ALLEY?" She goes, "BECAUSE ITS TOO FAR, TOO LATE, TOO EXPENSIVE AND YOU HAVE TOO MUCH MOUTH TO BE YELLING AT ME," I was regretfully yelling at her. "NOW IF YOU DONT DO WHAT I SAY, GIVE ME BACK THE 40 DOLLARS! (the amount she gave us for bowling which wasn't enough)" And I stood up, shot the 40 bucks on the floor, kicked it and said "TAKE IT!" And I rushed to my room and slammed my door.

I never felt so emotional like this. I feel bad that I yelled and disrespected my mom but can you blame me? I look at everything as an equal becuase I am an unofficial egalitarian, so I don't see why TWO HOURS (7-9pm) would be such a problem. 120 minutes, for god's sake. I wish she could just...i dont know. I don't have a solution for this. I usually have solutions. Lately, I don't. :[ Lately, my whole life feels like a black hole and there's no getting out. I feel like crap and I need some fun so because I couldn't go bowling with my friends, another bit of happiness was taken away from me.

Lastly if there's one thing I would want to say to my mom, its: "I'm sorry and all of the above, but I wish you could see that you took another chunk of happiness away from me and still left my guilt-ridden because you took it."

....wow. Call me a contradictory person, but I feel so worthless for writing my thoughts :[