Unexpressable

I had something on my mind today. Lately, I've been having "unexpressable" feelings. What are they you must ask? Self explanatory, I feel like something is about to happen but not really...like a clairvoyant thingy, but not really. I feel like I have all these emotions and things running inside my head....

Some examples are...

For the most part, I feel awful that I didn't know my own parents were 50. (my mom's gonna turn it next month)

It feels awful that I forgot and it feels more awful that I think I'm a jinx and that if I say one of them might die on a blog, it might really happen. And if that happens, I could never forgive myself.

Anyways...I feel like I've been a bad son. Something happened that I won't say until a later time, that proves that I was a disappointment to them. :/
And even though we put it behind us, it still haunts me. And if they were to die, right, then I couldn't tell them how much they mean to me and that, in this very strict, somewhat religious family, I, the oldest son, is...gay.

I've been thinking about this for a long time. When do I tell them without breaking their hearts? It's a drastic time in my teenage life and I know its something that us three couldn't handle.

I have a little situation with friends. People that used to hate me or "not be cool" with me, are starting to come back into my life. I love my friends. I love my "scraps". (You know who you are) And if they come back into my life...it'll feel too weird. I know to limit my trust around them, but I don't know how to express this weird joy that they're my friends.

And lastly, I'm infatuated with my boyfriend.
As sad as to say I'm not fully in love with him, I am infatuated. He makes me feel good and he makes me feel whole and when we kiss (yes we kiss you damn homophobes), I lose myself and later in the day I can't focus. And I don't, for a minute, call it lust. How do I tell him he means alot to me even though we've only been dating for a short period of time?


Life's very complicated and to add on to the stress of school and family, I have more burdens to carry and I don't know if I can express them before its too late...